I read a lot of blogs. Not all of them daily, but some - my favorites. I have often wondered of those writers whom I don't actually know what they are really like.
I'm an analyzer. I like to know why people are the way they are. If I know more about a person's temperamant, life experiences, even birth order, it helps me understand them better and I like to know what makes people tick!
So I thought maybe if you read this blog and don't know me, you might wonder the same things I have wondered about others. From time to time, I will share with you some things about me that might help you understand who I really am, why I write what I write and why I write how I write. These posts will all be titled: Exposed.
Expose means to make known, reveal or unmask. Which is something I need to do more of.
I'll start by saying I fear rejection and criticism. I'm sure after each of these posts I will completely doubt whether I should have exposed myself. I don't like vulnerability. And while some of you may read the posts and think that's what you consider being vulnerable? Trust me, for me it will be.
I am bold and confident in some ways. I don't mind what anyone thinks of my beliefs, convictions or the way I live my life (which is a result of my beliefs and convictions). What I fear is personal rejection. Not being liked for who I am. Not being accepted because of my imperfections. Even being rejected based on perceptions of who people think I am.
I would love to uncover all my sins and weaknesses, quirks, failures and ugliness and not care about what someone thinks of me, but at this point in my life that feels impossible!
I have just learned in the last couple years that God accepts and loves me unconditionally. That I don't have to be perfect for Him to see me as lovable. And that has been extremely freeing. One day I hope that I can care only about what He thinks of me. I think that would be ultimate freedom.
Until then, perhaps this will be my therapy. My own personal counseling group, consisting of me and a bunch of faces I can't see.
And just maybe exposing one piece at a time won't be so frightening.
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4 comments:
Taking those first steps toward transparency (being see-through, with nothing hidden) is a scary thing! But I have found that nothing is more encouraging to me than knowing that other women (especially those I see as "having it all together") GET me. And though there have been times of criticism and people who decide not to like me, the blessings and encouragement from other women when I choose to be transparent makes it so worthwhile!
For the record, it also pierces me when people don't like me. I so badly want to be liked, accepted, and to fit in! God has shown me that if I really want to walk His way, sometimes I must risk being unlikeable.
Jenny, I'm going out on a limb, but you remind me so much of me that I thought you might relate. Jeff and I just found a book that has been hugely eye-opening for us. It's called Hope for the Perfectionist. (Jeff left it at work, so I'm not sure of the author, but I'll get it...it's a Christian book) I never realized how much of myself is wrapped up in my perfectionism. It is such an eye-opening study! Probably one of the most helpful books I have ever read in helping me understand myself better. I uncovered so many deep issues I didn't know I had. Anyway, thank you for this post. Love the transparency. I am in a similar place right now of needing to be completely transparent....so much I'm working through! But thankful that God cares enough to teach me these things!
Jenny...I loved this post. and I love you even more. I know you know that. Yes, being transparent does require risk, but on the flip side of it, it's rewards are HUGE and honestly, I feel your ministry can even grow further because of your relate-ability.
I'm here for you always! :)
Hi, you don't know me, but my friend Rachelle told me about your blog and I just love it. Your blog is very inspiring and humbling. It gives me the desire to be a better servant of the Lord, better wife and mother. I can relate to so much that you say...and I want arms like Kelly Ripa too, ha ha ha! So thanks for all that you share :)
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