Why I Don't Complain About My Kids

It is apparent to me that to many I give off the image that my kids are perfect or that we have it all together in the parenting department. Well they aren't and we don't!

And I've been struggling with wanting to clear that up without completely maligning my family.

So let me start by sharing two reasons why you won't hear complaining from me about my husband or kids.

1. When we first got married (and maybe still) I teased that my parents loved Roddy more than me. I mean who wouldn't, right?!! But early on in our marriage when Roddy would do things that upset me, I would call my mom up and gripe to her about whatever it was that he had done.

After a while, I noticed that when I complained about him to my mom, all that did was taint her view of him and possibly make her feel the need to side with me against him. Thankfully, I realized this pretty early on in our marriage, and I decided that I was not going to do that any more. I decided I wouldn't complain about him to my friends either.

I have come to believe that it is wrong to bad mouth your husband to others. It is disrespectful and, in all honesty, makes you look like a fool for choosing him. It also does nothing to bring your relationship closer. You might temporarily feel better because you got it off your chest and someone else may have given you the affirmation you desired but ultimately it helps you harbor bitterness against him. I could go on but I'll move on for now.

2. When I was a young mom, I had some great friends who were new moms, too. And being new moms and not used to the demands of motherhood, we were apt to complain about how hard it was.

When I was surprised by my pregnancy with Jackson, I was not excited. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be having 3 kids under 2 1/2 years of age!

The day he was born the doctors noticed he had an irregular heartbeat and started doing ultrasounds of his heart. Immediately I regreted every complaint I had made about having him because at that point I didn't know what was going to happen to him.

After that day, I made an effort not to be a complaining mother. Now let me give a disclaimer right now - this does not mean that I have never complained since. Oh contraire, mon frere! I have done my share! But I do try to accept the role God has given me and I make a point not to get into complaining-fests with other moms.

Afterall, how would I feel if my husband and kids complained about me to their friends? They would have plenty to say, but boy would it make me sad! And what purpose would it serve?

Philippians 2:14 says,

"Do all things without grumbling or questioning."

The NIV says,

"Do everything without complaining or arguing."

So how am I to be transparent about the fact that there are struggles going on in the Wagner house without tearing everyone down in the process? Because let me tell you, my family comes first. If everyone else has to be left wondering in order to protect my family, so be it. However, I did want to find an answer. So Roddy and I talked about this several times and finally came to the conclusion that we could/should freely share our own personal failures but there is not a need to share our kids failures.

216 & 35

That's how many Bibles we collected in one weekend! 216 from our church and 35 sent from Mama Jenny's (Roddy's grandmother's) church in NC. So exciting!There will be an article about Jackson in our church's on-line magazine. I'll have to get the link and put it here. We're hoping to go downtown this Thursday night with John to pass some out.

Happy Birthday, Charlie

Happy 6th Birthday, Charlie!! Here's your birthday brag!

This kid is the spice of our lives! With his big, brown eyes, gusto and zest for life, he adds lots of flavor to our days.

I've learned the most about myself from Charlie because we are the most alike. We're both passionate in our beliefs and feelings. And though we love rules and really want to do what's right, we can sometimes have the hardest time submitting to them.


I love how his heart is so sincere in repentance when he realizes his sin.


His prayers are the best. They are thoughtful and hopeful. He'll say things like, "And thank you that we get to have a good day today...."

He's the one that is going to display the strongest leadership. Although I'm trying to teach all the kids that being a Wright/Wagner means they will automatically be leaders, I think Charlie will be the one who is more outspoken and less likely to back down when confronted. I'm just glad he's on our team!


Charlie is a take you or leave you kind of guy. He's confident and knows what he wants. He loves having friends to play with but doesn't feel the need to accommodate them to what he's playing.


He's an open book. You don't have to wonder what he's thinking or feeling. And while some might view that as a weakness, I'm learning it can really be a strength when trained.

I sure do love you, Charlie Barlie! You are a gift from God to our family and we just wouldn't be the same without you. You are an awesome kid and I can't wait to see how God uses you in the years to come!

He Did It!

He looked like he was scared to death, but Jackson got up in front of thousands of people this weekend to promote "Jackson's Bibles." We have a Saturday night and two Sunday morning services. He got to go up during the announcement time of each service and Pastor David told everyone about his idea of collecting Bibles for the homeless.

Emma's 1st Soccer Game

Today was Emma's first soccer game ever!! She was so excited and did a really great job.She was all over that field and never hesitated to go for the ball. Here they are at half-time. It was hot and they were tired but they won 4-1! Go Lady Commodores!

Jackson's Bibles

A couple of Wednesdays ago, on our way to church, Roddy was telling us that John had another opportunity for us to work with the homeless (this time with victims of domestic abuse).

When we got home that night Jackson came in our room and said he wanted to tell Mr. Helton something. For those who don't know him, John Helton is a good friend of ours and also the Local Missions Pastor at our church. Well, for some reason, Jackson didn't want to tell us. But after some prodding, he finally he told us he thought we should collect Bibles to give to the homeless.

I said, "That is a really great idea! Why didn't you want to tell us?" He said he was scared. Since it is unusual for him to be scared to tell us anything, we talked about how it was probably the devil trying to scare him because the last thing he would want is for us to give Bibles to anyone. Well that did it. Knowing the enemy was trying to keep him from such a great idea just fueled the fire in his belly. He was so excited after that. He just kept talking about what we could do to get people to bring Bibles to church and how we could make special boxes to collect them.

He even mentioned the time in church, after Pastor David's father passed away, when he was telling us about his dad's old, worn out, duct-taped Bible. Pastor David had said people would buy his dad new Bibles but he always went back to the old one. Jackson said, "Pastor David's dad could give all those Bibles." Somehow he had missed the part about his dad being in heaven now.

The next day Roddy told John and he loved the idea. After talking to the powers-that-be at church, he said we could put boxes out and somehow advertise the idea. He was so nice because a couple days later, John told us he was going to call the project "Jackson's Bibles." Isn't that cool? He said he knew that wasn't why Jackson was doing it but thought it would be a perfect name.

So if you have some extra Bibles laying around and would like to contribute, just let me know or start looking for the boxes at church in the next couple weeks.

Mercy Me!

I love Mercy Me! I love their music! And I love the message in their music! They are also a really great group of guys!

When Roddy and I were first married, he was part of a Christian comedy improv group that performed at youth events and camps. Really hilarious.

One summer the improv group performed at a local youth camp. Mercy Me was the musical group that was brought in. This is way before they were big.

While we were there, we got one of, if not the, first CD they recorded. And, of course, since then have been following them.

Well Saturday night we had the opportunity to work at Night of Joy selling t-shirts and CDs. During our first shift, Christie sent Roddy and me to the stage where Mercy Me was to perform so we could do a little t-shirt advertising.

So we're standing backstage waiting to do our thing when here comes Mercy Me! Oh my word!!! I was so excited. I tried to act very casual, of course. I am a 35 year old mother of 5. But at that moment I felt just like a kid! I whispered for Roddy to hand me his i-phone so I could take a picture (gotta love phones with cameras!!!)

Well Roddy starts talking to Bart about "old times" while 3 of the guys comes over to the steps where I am.

I said, "Can I totally be a teenager for a minute and take your picture?" They were so nice!! They huddled right up and got ready. But then I thought, what am I crazy? I want to be in this picture!

So I said, "Hey, Roddy, can you take our picture?" To which he sends Bart over and then another band member joins us.

Made my night!!! Still makes me giddy just thinking about it! Would have preferred my good camera, but I'll take it!

Monday's Motto

You don't have to say everything that you're thinking.

Roddy told me this about 6 years into our marriage. I thought, "Really? No one ever told me this before."

I was accustomed to saying whatever was on my mind. This was a great revelation to me. Eight years laters I'm still working on it. And I'm hoping to pass this wisdom on to my kids.

Happy Birthday, Roddy!

Happy Birthday to the BEST Husband and Father Ever!

I couldn't resist doing a little birthday bragging on my hubby because he really is the BEST!


I don't know why God allowed me to journey through life with this man but I am so thankful He did! He is patient with me. He is kind. He has a servant's heart. He chooses to love me unconditionally because many times I am unlovable. I don't know what I'd do without him!

He is my best friend! My confidant! I know my heart is safe with him.


He is the best dad! He seeks to lead our family the way God would have him to. He makes us a priority by putting us before work or extra curricular activities.


When I talk to the kids about how wonderful God is, I start with their daddy. I'll say something like, "You know how awesome your daddy is? God is even more awesome than that!" So they know God must be pretty great because their daddy is tough to beat!


I love that I can say to the boys, "If you don't see your daddy doing that, you shouldn't either."And I tell Emma and Iris to be sure to marry a man just like their daddy when they grow up because they won't find any better example for a future mate.

Roddy, thank you for marrying me! Thank you for leading me. Thank you for loving me like Christ loves His church. Thank you for being the best husband and father! Thank you for living for Jesus and living like Jesus. I love you more than you know!

Mom's Birthday

We had a great time celebrating Mom's birthday.

She and my sister came over about 3pm and all the cousins got to play. The dads joined us after work.

Iris, Mamaw and Braelyn

Colt (4) calls my boys his brothers. Here he and Charlie (5) are working on the fruit pizza for dessert.

The girls dressed up Case (1 1/2).

It was such a great party the law had to be called in to bring order back to the neighborhood. My brother-in-law arresting everyone... Case (minus his drag getup)...even the birthday girl was cuffed.

Pride

One Thanksgiving we were asked by our Bible study leader to come to our meeting prepared to share something we were thankful for.

One of the things I shared I am still very much thankful for today:

I am thankful that God doesn't reveal to me everything that is wrong with me all at once.

Boy, would that be overwhelming! I mean I've come a long way, but compared to Jesus, I have a loooonnnnnnggggg way to go!

Normally He's working on me in a few areas, and currently one of those areas is pride.

I am learning that pride has many forms. One of those I faced today.

Here's how it went down...

My mom and dad's church owns the property behind our house. The kids go to Awanas there on Sunday nights and we participate in other events there as well.

I decided to do a Beth Moore Bible study with my mom on Tuesday mornings. They are not offering childcare but said my kids could hang out in a room across the hall from us. The church also has a preschool/daycare but that particular room is normally empty. I thought it was so nice for them to accommodate us.

So I planned out the 2 hours that the kids would be on their own and explained what I expected from them. After getting them set up, I headed across the hall.

Since today was the first day, we didn't actually begin until about an hour after we got there. Meanwhile the kids were in their room doing their thing. Well just as the Pastor's wife was getting ready to start the video, a lady came in and I said, "I saw you check on the kids, are they doing what they are supposed to be doing?"

She said, "Yeah, I just told them not to go into the other room."

The room next to theirs is joined by a bathroom. The teacher in that adjoining room had asked her who the kids were that were peaking in her room.

I looked at the Pastor's wife and said, "You can start without me." And headed to the kids' room.

Long story short, they had only peaked into the bathroom but never even set foot in it. Somehow the teacher noticed and made it sound like they were peaking in her room. No big deal. The kids who had done it were disciplined because they weren't supposed to be up from what they were doing. I wasn't upset with them, though. I totally expected a learning curve the first couple weeks.

But I was upset with the lady who told me about them. Pride had reared it's ugly head because she had told me (not intending to be rude) so that the other 10 participants heard and I was worried about what they thought of my kids.

See, I have no problem when it comes to what people think of my beliefs or convictions. Doesn't phase me in the least.

One thing I do care about is what people think about me as person or about my kids. I don't care about clothes, or keeping up with Joneses. I don't have to have a nice car or even one without a dented bumper (you'd have to see mine to get that).

I also care if I'm liked. I really want to be accepted for who I am. Deep down I think if people really knew me, they wouldn't actually like me and so I don't always feel like I can be myself.

I know this is wrong. I shouldn't worry about what people think. It only matters what One thinks of me. And if God likes me and accepts me, I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks. Still working on that, though.

I also want my kids to have a good reputation - not a perfect reputation but a good one. I don't want them accused of doing something they didn't actually do and then having people think that they are causing trouble.

That's what bothered me today. But, thankfully God helped me get over myself. I realized the root of my problem - pride! After a few minutes of grumbling in my head, I prayed that God would help me forgive the lady for announcing it to the group and then immediately asked for forgiveness for being more concerned about what people think instead of concentrating on what was true (that my kids love their mommy enough to obey --mostly-- what I asked them to do for 2 hours without adult supervision --mostly--).

And He did help me. He helped me forgive (even though really the lady didn't do anything wrong) and He forgave me.

I love my God! I love that He wants me to get over myself and my pride! I love that He hasn't given up on me! That He is so patient and loving and forgiving!

Legos

Can you ever have too many Legos? Not in our house! We love them. I mostly like sorting and organizing them but Daddy and the kids love building with them. They love the kits and they love designing their own.
Daddy is the resident Lego genius with a bunch a little prodigies following in his footsteps. Here are just a few of the models cooked up by Daddy's imagination.Iris made these...

...while Gray built a toll booth.

Monday's Motto

I loved Mrs. Jackson's motto...

Do what is wise, not what is convenient.

Fruit

How can you tell an apple tree from an orange tree?

If it's bearing fruit, all you have to do is look at the the fruit, right?

If it's not bearing fruit, maybe you could look at the blossoms or leaves, but it takes closer inspection.

Pastor David spoke this morning on living by the Spirit versus being controlled by the flesh.

He said we're all influenced by something. And you know, it's our choice what we allow to influence us.

Will we allow the Holy Spirit to influence us or the things of this world that appeal to our fleshly desires - money or material possessions, social status, approval of man, worldly entertainment?

I loved when he said that it's not that Christians never sin but that when we are living in the Spirit we don't stay in that sin.

How do you know if you are living in the flesh? The evidences are listed in Galatians 5:19-21:

sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
idolatry, sorcery,
enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy,
drunkenness, orgies

How do you know if you are living by the Spirit? The evidence is the fruit of the Spirit:

love, joy, peace,
patience, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control

I also loved it when Pastor David said that we should never say, "I need more patience" or "I need more goodness." Instead, we should say, "I need more Jesus." Because when we have more of Jesus and are more like Him, we will have patience, goodness, etc.

So I have to ask myself, Can others tell just by looking at me, just by looking at my life --day in and day out-- that I am a Christian? What are the evidences?

Is the fruit of the Spirit prominently displayed in my life like a flourishing fruit tree? Or does it take closer inspection?

How do I live by the Spirit so that the fruit of the Spirit can grow in my life?

By crucifying my flesh with it's passions and desires. Simply put, get over myself.

This isn't a one-time thing, either. It takes daily, hourly, sometimes minute-by-minute choices to give up what I want for what Jesus wants.

It's capturing my thoughts. It's taking off the old and putting on the new. It's spending time in His Word so I know what pleases Him. And it takes dependence on Jesus to give me the strength to do it.

I'm so thankful my God doesn't just tell me what to do but is there to help me do it!

Exasperated Part II

Ultimately if we want to be able to pass on our faith and influence our children in the way they should go, we must have their hearts. But if we are regularly exasperating our children, we will end up pushing them away. They will seek the acceptance they aren't getting from us somewhere else.

Yesterday's list plus today's is obviously not going to cover it all, but I hope I've got you thinking.

13. Withhold firm discipline and proper training. Spend no time training them so they will know what you expect.

14. Discipline inconsistently. Make boundaries unclear. Threaten consequences but don't follow through. (Inconsistency gives occasional permission to disobey and unclear boundaries make children feel insecure.)

15. Assert parental authority weakly. When you say no, allow them to continue to bring up the subject over and over...then give in.

16. Consistently believe evil of them. Be harsh and accusatory. Assume any trouble is their fault. Keep a record of wrongs and don't give fresh starts. (Believe evil of them and they will live up to it.)

17. Do not listen to them. And if you do, be sure to correct their immature believes or dreams immediately. Be intolerant.

18. Continually criticize them when they share their innermost feelings. Tease them about sensitive issues.

19. Communicate to them how unwanted they are. Say things like, "We are definitely done!" or "If I had him/her first, we would have stopped sooner!" Let them know what an inconvenience they are and that they are an intrusion to your life.

20. Threaten them with rejection. Especially in teen years, threaten that they may have to leave home.

21. Don't communicate to them approval, or that you like them. Don't praise proper behavior. Make sure they don't feel like they can measure up.

22. Neglect them. Only spend time with them when they need discipline. Ignore their love language.

23. Overindulge them. Let them think they should get whatever they want. (The most miserable children, by the way, are the ones that get whatever they want.) When they are obedient, kind, etc. be sure to run out and buy them something. Also, allow them to regularly make decisions for the whole family.

24. Reward insolence. Engage or continue discussions where they are allowed to speak to you disrespectfully or angrily.

25. Cease a time of chastisement before it has produced humility. This is one of the best ways to strengthen their will and will help to produce angry, rebellious teens.

There is so much more to keeping our children's hearts, these are just some of the ways to be sure you don't. I hope it's been eye-opening. I also hope you are willing to seek forgiveness from God and your children and start fresh.

His grace and forgiveness He gives freely to those who ask. If you don't know Him or know of the hope He offers and would like to, I'd be more than happy to share with you what He's done in my life. Just send a message to me at jennyrwagner@gmail.com and I'll be sure to get back to you.

Exasperated

Ephesians 6 tells us not to exasperate or provoke our children to anger but to bring them up in the discipline, training and instruction of the Lord.

I thought today I would share a list of ways that we as parents can exasperate our kids. This list is compliments of Reb Bradley with some of my own thoughts mixed in. I need this list as much as the next parent. So I'm excited about going through it with you.

If you want to exasperate your child, here are 12 ways to start...13 more will follow tomorrow:

1. Never admit you are wrong. Treat them as if you never make mistakes and can't possibly understand how they could. Never apologize.

2. Model hypocrisy. Expect them to do something or behave in a way that you don't. Examples) Complain and fuss about their messy room without taking care of the piles of stuff in yours. Fuss about how they talk to others but correct or disrespect their father in front of them.

3. Fail to keep promises. If you say you're going to do something, as a general rule do your best to follow through. This doesn't mean things don't come up that are unavoidable and kids should learn to accept those times, but for the most part try to be a person of your word.

4. Demand too much of them. Tolerate nothing less than perfection. Do not accept them for who they are - their preferences, tastes, personalities.

5. Overprotect them. Give them no chances to make mistakes. Especially as teens, make all their decisions for them.

6. Batter them with words. Habitually lecture them.

7. Abuse them verbally. Use a harsh tone. Criticize them. Say things like, "Why can't you just...?" or "When are you ever going to....?" Bark out orders. Yell at them.

8. Make discipline too severe. Don't discipline in love. Punish them instead.

9. Show favoritism towards their brother(s) or sister(s). Show less affection, kindness or tenderness. Give different consequences for same offenses but different offenders.

10. Embarrass them. Scold or threaten punishment in front of others. Talk about their short-comings as if they aren't there.

11. Give no time warnings ever.

12. Try to be their friend. Allow them to tease you and treat you as an equal but then expect them to turn off the friend-switch when you're ready to be the parent. Worry about asserting your authority because you don't want them to be mad at you and you just want them to love you.

If you don't think you struggle in any of these areas, ask your child or spouse. Then humbly accept the answer. Ask God to help you overcome any of these areas you see in your life that need to change.

Come back tomorrow for more...

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

Happy Birthday to my mom!

We love you very much!

Can't wait to see you this afternoon to celebrate!