Wanna Be Part III

Here's Part I and Part II

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

Friendly
Encouraging
Affectionate
Rejoices with the Truth
Serves

Teachable
Helpful
Ever Understanding

Loving
Overlooks Offenses
Respectful
Deferential

Loving - I Corinthians 13

Jesus told us the greatest commandment right after loving the Lord is loving others.  I Corinthians 13 not only reinforces Jesus' words and the necessity of love but also tells us what love looks like in action. 

And the love it talks about, has nothing to do with feelings.  Love is a choice on our part, despite our feelings, to be patient and kind.  It is a choice not to be rude or insist on our own way.

Overlooks Offenses - Proverbs 10:12, 17:9a, 19:11

Hatred stirs up strife,

but love covers all offenses.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love...

Good sense makes one slow to anger,

and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Am I quick to get angry or to forgive?  Do I hold a grudge or overlook an offense?  If I get angry, or hold a grudge, it's really just me being selfish and insisting on my own way.

I also need to be careful to take the beam out my own eye before I insist my husband takes the speck out of his. 

Am I choosing to dwell on the things my husband may do to offend or am I choosing to dwell on all the positives?

Respectful - Ephesians 5:33b

...and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

I recommend the Love and Respect book by Emerson Eggerichs.  Very eye-opening. 

Respect is another God-given need of our husbands'.  And it not to be given conditionally.  Ephesians doesn't say, if the husband loves the wife as Christ loves the church, then she should show respect.  Again, as with love, respect isn't about our feelings.  It's about our actions.

Deferential - Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

So deferential is just a fancy word (that fit because it starts with a D) for submissive.  Submitting to our hubbies is a command, not a suggestion. 

My husband says submission is more about my heart than actions or words.  Meaning: if I disagree with him over a decision he's made, but I appeal to him respectfully and with the right heart, I am still in obedience to the Lord.  But if I come with my own agenda and a selfish heart, or if I nag and pout, I am not obeying the Lord.

If he makes a decision that turns out to be the wrong one but I submit with a right heart, I believe there is actually more protection for my family than if I insisted and got my way. 

If you want a word picture for submission, go here.


Well, that's it - although not really.  These are just a few of the areas I wanna be a better wife for my awesome husband.  Thankfully, neither he nor God have given up on me yet!

Wanna Be Part II

If you'd like to read Part I, go here...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

Proverbs 31:30

Friendly
Encouraging
Affectionate
Rejoices with the Truth
Serves

Teachable
Helpful
Ever Understanding

Loving
Overlooks Offenses
Respectful
Deferential

Teachable - Proverbs 9:9

Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser;

teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.

To me, this may be one of the most important character qualities I'd like to have and see in my girls and future girls-in-law.  Because, if we are teachable, then we are willing to grow in all the other areas.  If we are teachable, we will seek to be more like Him.  We will desire to grow closer to Him.  And in that growing closer, we grow in all kinds of ways. 

If we are teachable we will seek out Godly resources that will strengthen our walks, strengthen our marriages, and strengthen our parenting.  We will be willing to go through trials knowing there is a purpose and benefit - growth, strength of characer, perserverence, perspective. (James 1:2-4)

Helpful - Genesis 2:18

Then the Lord said, {Who said?}

"It is not good {it is not what?} that the man should be alone;

I will make a helper {that's me, and you} fit for him."

This is what we were created for!  Oh if we could just embrace this fact, we would be a lot better off.  If we could silence the lies of feminism, we could be FREE!  Free to live out God's role for us with joy. And if you don't think you have feminist views swirling around in your head, well...that's a post for another day.

Practically lived out, this is seeking to put your husband before yourself.  It's finding out what is helpful to him.  And what is helpful to my husband may be very different from what is helpful to yours.  So, what's a wife to do? Ask.  Ask him what you can do that would take some weight off his shoulders.  What you could do to lift a burden for him.  And then do it cheerfully - just like you want your kids to do things for you - with a sweet attitude and smile.

Ever Understanding - Proverbs 18:2, 20:5

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,

but only in expressing his opinion.

The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water,

but a {woman} of understanding will draw it out.

Do I try to understand my husband's point of view?  Do I try to understand his God-given temperment?  Do I try to understand who he is or what he desires?  Do I try to understand his vision for our future? Or do I just want him to understand me?  Often, I am guilty of expressing my own opinion without trying to understand his.


Part III to come...shortly, I promise.

Wanna Be Part I

"What kind of girl are you going to marry, Gray?"

"I don't know. Like you."

Oh, how I want to be the kind of wife I want my boys to marry. I want to be be the kind of wife my husband deserves and God wants me to be.

Have you ever thought about your future daughters-in-law? Do you want them to treat your boys the way you treat your husband?

Hmmm. Something to think about.

Have you thought about what you will teach your daughters about being wives...what the Bible says about being a wife? Have you ever thought that what you want to teach them may not line up with what you're living? I have! And I have some work to do!

Here is what I want to teach my daughters about being wives and how I hope my daughters-in-law are with my sons.

I'm using another acronym. I got it from Proverbs 31:30 which says:

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

...fears the Lord...

Friendly
Encouraging
Affectionate
Rejoices with the Truth
Serves

Teachable
Helpful
Ever Understanding

Loving
Overlooks Offenses
Respectful
Deferential

I won't overwhelm you with all of it at once. And I'm only giving a snipet of each subject that I would cover in greater detail with my girls. I'll start with F.E.A.R.S first.

Friendly - Titus 2:4

...and so train the young women to love their husbands and children...

Did you know that word "love" is the Greek word for a friendly love? We are to be friendly to our husbands. Do I treat my husband in the friendly manner that I treat my girlfriends? I should.

Encouraging - Ephesians 4:29

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Proverbs 18:21

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Our hubbies need us to be their cheerleaders. They have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are going to be held accountable for us and the children. Are we criticizing or cheering them on?

I have been guilty of criticizing. Why would my husband want to lead in prayer or family devotions when I thought I could do it better and let him know how I thought it should it be done? What if I was just thankful for what he offered to us and let him know that instead. It's made a difference to be sure.

Affectionate - I Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive one another...so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

All of our husbands need physical affection. It's really not just a desire, it's a God-given need. So what do you do when you're exhausted from taking care of little ones? One idea, schedule in a nap for yourself in the middle of the day. If I can do it, you can do it. Might take some training with the kids but it can be done!

Rejoices with the Truth - Proverbs 12:19

Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.

Dishonesty has no place in marriage. NONE. Did you know there are wives who lie about shopping trips? Crazy, I know, but it really does happen. I know someone who once hid her new clothes in the dryer so her husband wouldn't find them.

Do you adhere to your husband's wishes with the kids when he's not around? Ever said to them or yourself, "We won't tell daddy." Not a good idea.

Dishonesty includes flat out lying as well as not telling the whole truth, sneaking or hiding things from him.

Serves - Mark 10:45

For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve...

Do we see the things we do for our husbands as chores, tasks, or do we see them as opportunities to imitate Jesus and serve?

Does it make us mad if our hubbies don't notice the overflowing trash and empty it? Wouldn't it be better to serve him and take it out ourselves?


Part II to come...

How Freeing...

You've got to read this post by Breezy Tulip. 

To me, it is so freeing because it lines up my priorities so quickly.  I can make my decisions about what to add to my schedule or commitment list through the filter of have I done my first duty well?  And I don't mean "well" according to worldly, feminist standards.  I also don't mean you have to have a perfectly clean and decorated house, perfectly cooked meals, be perfectly fit, be perfectly selfless, etc.

I'm talking about God's standards.  Am I pleasing Him?  Or at least seeking to please Him in my home? in my marriage? in my children?  Am I seeking to grow in my walk with Him? Am I teachable and willing to change to be more like Him? And then how do I apply that change to my first duty?

To Be Thankful

If you need a reality check, or just a good cry, read this. I couldn't help but sob when I read it. And maybe it affected me more than it will you because I knew them. So let me tell you a little more about them.

Cyndi is a 32 year old widow. Her husband died after a two year battle - and I mean battle - with cancer. He was a loving, godly husband and father. He leaves behind three children.

And while I know he is so much better off, I absolutely hate what death leaves behind.

As I was crying my eyes out, I began to wonder...

If she could have him back,

would she ever be too tired to make love to him?

would she nag him over that chore not yet done?

would she begrudge a weekend golf game? or would she count the minutes anxiously awaiting his return and greet him with a smile?

would she be bitter about the overflowing trash bag that should have been taken out yesterday?

would she harbor anger over a poor financial decision he made despite her advice?

would she complain when he brought home the wrong kind of peanut butter from the grocery store?

Or would she just be thankful?

I want to be thankful for every second I get with my husband and children. I don't want to be petty and trivial. I want to remember what is important!

14 Years

Fourteen years ago, today was a Saturday. Not just any Saturday, though.

For breakfast, I ate poached eggs on toast. This was normal because my dad often spoiled me by making my breakfast.

Later that morning I drove to a salon to have my hair styled in an elegant up-do.

I don't know what time I arrived at the church but once there, the final preparations began. Undergarments on. Make up done. Dress and veil saved for last.

Then pictures. Lots and lots of pictures.

Finally, music. Hand-picked by yours truly. Mom took her place in the pew up front.

I came out of the bride's dressing room to meet my dad who would be my escort. And from the side of the foyer I watched my maids-of-honor enter the sanctuary, the doors closing behind them only to be opened again at just the right moment.

We took our places - my dad and I. Not a jitter or butterfly to be found.

Then it was time! The double doors swung open and I could see him. My groom. I caught my breath and almost started to cry. Dad asked if I was okay. I said, "He's just so beautiful!"

And he is so beautiful.

We exchanged vows that I mean more today than I did then. Then I knew him for 8 1/2 months. Today, after 14 years (168 months, 5,113 days) of marriage I know him and love him even more!!

I'm thankful to God for letting me marry the man beyond my dreams and for giving him the strength to stick with me through thick and thin!

Why I Don't Complain About My Kids

It is apparent to me that to many I give off the image that my kids are perfect or that we have it all together in the parenting department. Well they aren't and we don't!

And I've been struggling with wanting to clear that up without completely maligning my family.

So let me start by sharing two reasons why you won't hear complaining from me about my husband or kids.

1. When we first got married (and maybe still) I teased that my parents loved Roddy more than me. I mean who wouldn't, right?!! But early on in our marriage when Roddy would do things that upset me, I would call my mom up and gripe to her about whatever it was that he had done.

After a while, I noticed that when I complained about him to my mom, all that did was taint her view of him and possibly make her feel the need to side with me against him. Thankfully, I realized this pretty early on in our marriage, and I decided that I was not going to do that any more. I decided I wouldn't complain about him to my friends either.

I have come to believe that it is wrong to bad mouth your husband to others. It is disrespectful and, in all honesty, makes you look like a fool for choosing him. It also does nothing to bring your relationship closer. You might temporarily feel better because you got it off your chest and someone else may have given you the affirmation you desired but ultimately it helps you harbor bitterness against him. I could go on but I'll move on for now.

2. When I was a young mom, I had some great friends who were new moms, too. And being new moms and not used to the demands of motherhood, we were apt to complain about how hard it was.

When I was surprised by my pregnancy with Jackson, I was not excited. All I could think about was how hard it was going to be having 3 kids under 2 1/2 years of age!

The day he was born the doctors noticed he had an irregular heartbeat and started doing ultrasounds of his heart. Immediately I regreted every complaint I had made about having him because at that point I didn't know what was going to happen to him.

After that day, I made an effort not to be a complaining mother. Now let me give a disclaimer right now - this does not mean that I have never complained since. Oh contraire, mon frere! I have done my share! But I do try to accept the role God has given me and I make a point not to get into complaining-fests with other moms.

Afterall, how would I feel if my husband and kids complained about me to their friends? They would have plenty to say, but boy would it make me sad! And what purpose would it serve?

Philippians 2:14 says,

"Do all things without grumbling or questioning."

The NIV says,

"Do everything without complaining or arguing."

So how am I to be transparent about the fact that there are struggles going on in the Wagner house without tearing everyone down in the process? Because let me tell you, my family comes first. If everyone else has to be left wondering in order to protect my family, so be it. However, I did want to find an answer. So Roddy and I talked about this several times and finally came to the conclusion that we could/should freely share our own personal failures but there is not a need to share our kids failures.

Date Night

If you are cheap like me or things aren't financially great for you right now, you can still have a weekly date night.

You can go on a date right in your own home. Now the only prerequisite is that you have trained your children to obey you. After that, it's up to you.

Several months ago, we started this. We decided that every Monday or Tuesday night we would have an in-home date. Depending on the schedule for the week, we pick the day that works best.

About 8pm, after securing the house, we set the kids up with popcorn and a movie. We then retreat to our room , close the doors and either watch a movie, read a book together, talk-ahem, whatever we want.

The rules for the kids are:

1. clean up the popcorn
2. brush teeth
3. go straight to bed
4. and under no circumstances - other than blood, serious physical harm or death - are they to knock on our door.

The consequence for coming to our door - except for the few reasons above - is that they miss out on the next date night.

That's it.

Every week the kids ask, "Is tonight date night?!" They love it. And we do to.

You can customize your date night to fit your family and home. Our friends set the kids up in their room with the tv and then claim the rest of the house off limits. After the kids watch the movie, they put themselves to bed without disturbing Mom and Dad.

There you have it. No more excuses. Have fun!