Also, if you know someone else who could benefit, but they don't have access to this blog, send them to my public blog at unlessthelordbuildsit.blogspot.com.)
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If you really think about it, the cause for any conflict is selfishness. We want what we want, when we want it and we don't care what the other person wants. The opposite of selfishness is, of course, selflessness which is putting others ahead of ourselves, showing love to others. I Corinthians 13 says love does not insist on it's own way.
Jesus was the perfect example of selflessness, even to the point of death. Think about the messages we are fed today...Take care of #1! ... If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will!...Don't let anyone walk all over you!
I have yet to find Scripture to back up that way of thinking. Instead I find verses like I Cor 10:24 that says, "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor" or Phil 2:4 "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."
If your mindset is, "Well I don't want my child to be a doormat. I want them to be able to stand up for themselves," consider Phil 2:5-7 (read carefully, emphasis mine):
"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness."
Therefore, a change in our thinking is vital if we want to train our children to love one another and put others first.
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I also think being proactive in your training is important. Instead of only dealing with conflicts as they arise, why not talk about potential conflicts or common conflicts before they occur.
During non-emotional, non-confrontational times talk about what the Bible says to them (see verses from Part I). Breakfast is a great time to do this because they have all day to apply what you've talked about.Pick a verse to talk about at the breakfast table. Ask your children how they can apply that Scripture to their day.
For example, after reading Matthew 7:12 you could ask them how they like to be treated. Ask them what makes them feel loved. Also, ask them how they do not like to be treated. Then you might say, "Well, Jesus wants us to treat each other the way we want to be treated. So, does that mean taking something that doesn't belong to you? Does it mean yelling at or hitting your brother or sister when you're mad? Or does it mean being kind to your brother? How can you be kind to each other today?" Give suggestions if necessary like, "Do you like going first when playing a game? Then to treat your sister the way you want to be treated, you could let her go first." "Do you like to be bossed around or would you prefer to be asked nicely? Then you can show love to your brother by speaking to him the way you would like to be spoken to."
Also, I Cor 4:12b, I Thes 5:15, I Peter 2:23. You might read these verses and ask them, "When someone is unkind to you, how are you supposed to respond or react?" Ask them to tell you ways that people are unkind. Then help them figure out ways they should react to unkindness. How can they be kind despite how they're been treated? If we want our children to be like Jesus in this area, we have to teach them to think like Jesus.
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Get your kids in the habit of looking for ways to serve their siblings. Ask them early in the day or the night before what they can do to serve or show love to each other. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing one of their chores for them. Have them make cards for each other that say what they appreciate about their brother or sister. Suggest anything that you can think of to get their eyes off themselves and on others. And if they are always neglecting a certain sibling, be specific and say, "What can you do for (fill in that sibling's name) today?"
Encourage them to help each other in whatever way they can. If an older one can tie shoelaces, let him tie them for the younger one. Older kids can help younger ones get dressed, get a drink or snack, build a block castle, etc. Those who can read should be encouraged to read to others. Younger ones can help big ones, too, as long as the big ones don't boss. They could help clean up a room. The older one could sweetly ask the younger one to deliver something to its designated home. Be creative and let them help each other.
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Talk to your kids about how lucky they are to have brothers and sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister. Most only children I know would do anything to have a sibling. Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family. Families are special.
I tell my kids that friends may come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach the kids to always put siblings before friends or even cousins. This means when they are playing with others, they are not allowed to leave out siblings who want to participate.
If a friend of your daughter's says, "Let's not play with the boys" or "No boys allowed", teach them in their own words to say, "No thanks. I don't think it would be nice to leave them out." This is a great time to encourage leadership.
In our home, we don't allow talk like, "Boys are better than girls!" or vise-versa.
Encourage your kids to look out for each other and to protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen - hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to graciously accept gentlemanly gestures. For a time, my oldest daughter didn't want her younger brother to get the door for her. She was quite capable. I had to teach her to accept his chivalry.
Let younger brothers learn to be leaders by having a chance to make decisions about what the kids play. I think there is a tendency for whoever is oldest to make the decisions for the younger ones. It's up to us to lovingly suggest (although really without option) these kinds of things from time to time.
Being in a family offers great opportunities to learn how to relate to people who are different from us.
On birthdays, or any day, take turns saying what you like most about an individual. This helps build an appreciation for each other's differences and uniqueness. And what a gift to the recipient of such kind words.
Talk to your kids about how God has given us each different personalities, temperaments, gifts, talents, likes and dislikes and how this makes the world so much more interesting. Think about how boring it would be if we all looked alike and all liked the same things and were all good at the same thing. Romans talks about the importance of our uniqueness and the benefit of that to the body of Christ. We are each gifted to serve God differently. Appreciate that about your kids and encourage them to appreciate it about each other.
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Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to see handled in a more Christ-like way. Show them how they usually handle it and then show them the right way. How do you do this? It takes two people. Roddy and I role-play for the kids, but you could use one of the kids if your hubby isn't home when you want to do this.
Here's how we do it: We will tell the kids we're going to show them how both of us handle the situation the wrong way. I will be playing with a toy and Roddy will come up and snatch it out of my hands. I will yell and try to snatch it back. I'll even chase him around the room yelling, "Mommy, he took my toy!!" This just shows them how ridiculous the wrong way can look.
Then I'll say, "Daddy's going to do it the wrong way but I'm going to do it the right way." He'll snatch the toy out of my hand again. This time instead of yelling and chasing after him, I'll politely say, "Can I have the toy back please?"
The last time, we both handle the situation the right way. I'm playing with the toy and he says, "Can I play with that when you're finished with it?" And I say, "Sure." Then I play with it for a couple more seconds and hand it to him.
We then have the kids do it the right way a few times. If you think I'm crazy, and it won't work, try it!
When we do this kind of role-playing, we are giving our children a way of escape. We are not just telling them what not to do, we're showing them what to do. I Cor 10:13 tells us that "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
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Praise any act of kindness or love. Make a bigger deal over those things than you do over good grades or scoring in a ball game. This shows them what is really important. Let them hear you tell your husband how they were loving each other. You could even ask them during dinner to share how someone else showed love to them during the day.
Lots more to come...next week...
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