Sibling Rivalry Part I

This is going to be one of many posts on sibling rivalry. The information I want to give you is a 6-page Word document so I will attempt to break it down into bite-sized portions.

Growing up my siblings and I fought, squabbled, bickered, hit, scratched, threw stuff, and said unkind things to and about each other. I am one of 5. My oldest brother is 11 years older, the next is 5 years older. My younger brother is 1 year younger and my sister 2 1/2 years younger.

My parents, who would have done anything for us, didn't know what to do about it any more than most people today. They thought if they loved us enough, we'd love each other and my mom would tell us, "You'll love each other one day." What she meant was when we grew up, we'd grow out of our lack of appreciation for each others' differences and learn to love each other. We do love each other but I wish we had learned how to show it a lot sooner. It's taken until my 30's to appreciate my siblings' differences.

In the meantime, we did a lot of things to hurt each other. I know personally, I just wanted my big brothers to be big brothers. I didn't know what it meant when people talked about a big brother's protection. Mine just picked on me. And in all fairness to my siblings, I was not the sibling I should have been. I had a revelation recently and asked my mom if it was mostly me that didn't get along with everyone. She honestly answered, "Yes." So although we all could have done better, I was probably the worst.

So, many tears later, I have learned many things. Among those things, I've learned that a lack of closeness with my siblings - especially my brothers - is what caused me to seek that closeness with other boys. (So, before I go any further I encourage anyone with sons and daughters -whether the sons are older or younger- be sure to instill the importance of brothers protecting and loving their sisters!)

My experience has also given me a passion to teach my children differently. We are told sibling rivalry is natural and we should just accept it. Well, it is natural because sin is natural, but it is not right or acceptable because sin is not right. We are told to allow our children full vent to emotions, but Proverbs says a fool gives full vent to his anger.

God wants us to be self-controlled. But He knows we can’t be self-controlled on our own. We need Him. So a huge part of parenting is teaching our children their need for a Savior to guide them in all aspects of life, including (if not especially) in their relationships with siblings.

Until about 5 years ago, I thought I needed to separate my kids, give them a break from each other, to help them get along. After taking Reb Bradley's Biblical Insights into Child Training at our church, I realized it is not my job to separate them but to teach them how to get along no matter how much time they spend together.

Can I just tell you the difference this has made in our lives. Our children are by no means perfect, but there is a peacefulness in this home that would not exist if I listened to "the experts" and their worldly wisdom. Fighting between our children is the exception not the rule on a daily basis because of what we learned from Mr. Bradley and from our application of Scripture to our parenting.

That is what I hope to share with you in the coming days.

A few Scriptures for you to print out and have ready when sibling conflicts arise are (also see Part II):

I Corinthians 13 – I had always heard that “love is a decision” but didn’t get it. I thought I had to decide to feel love. I finally learned that it means in spite of how you feel, you choose to show love. And this chapter tells us what love in action looks like.

These are in the ESV
Psalm 133:1
Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!

Matthew 7:12
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them,”

Matthew 22:39b
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

John 13:34
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

1 Corinthians 4:12b
When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure;
NIV says: When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;

1 Corinthians 10:24
“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.”

Ephesians 4:1-3
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 5:1-2
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,

I Thessalonians 5:15 & 22
See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.

Abstain from every form of evil

1 Peter 2:23
When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

I John 4:10-11
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

To be continued...