All Together!

I had such a great time last weekend at the convention getting to talk to moms and dads in all stages and phases of life.

One mom was telling me how she was going back to homeschooling. I don't remember why but her kids were in school this past year and now she's bringing them back home.

One thing that she was surprised about was how the kids used to get along pretty well before going away to school, but now, they bicker all the time...almost as soon as they get in the car together. She said she thought the time apart would actually encourage them to get along better not the opposite.

I've heard this story before ~ how siblings who were homeschooled then put in school with time apart from each other, segregated by age, actually ended up fighting and being more selfish than when they spent 24 hours a day together!

Last night Roddy and I were putting clothes away in our room while kids had free time before bed. This is where I found them...

All in the boys' room playing something, not necessarily together but together.

They did the same thing this afternoon. I was typing up my inventory of reading books when Gray came in a picked up a book to read, Iris and Charlie started playing a board game and Emma and Jackson started playing chess.

I'm not saying all homeschooled kids always get along and enjoy each other, or that all away-from-home schooled kids don't get along, but I think when you've got more time to practice something, it makes sense that they get better and better at it.

Sibling Rivalry Part IV

Here is the final Part of my Sibling Rivalry posts. Hope you enjoyed then and they've encouraged you. Let me know if you have any questions!

Sibling Rivalry Part III

(I know these posts are long. I don't always like reading directly off the computer. So, feel free to print them off. Just do me the favor of citing my blog. Thanks.

Also, if you know someone else who could benefit, but they don't have access to this blog, send them to my public blog at unlessthelordbuildsit.blogspot.com.)
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If you really think about it, the cause for any conflict is selfishness. We want what we want, when we want it and we don't care what the other person wants. The opposite of selfishness is, of course, selflessness which is putting others ahead of ourselves, showing love to others. I Corinthians 13 says love does not insist on it's own way.

Jesus was the perfect example of selflessness, even to the point of death. Think about the messages we are fed today...Take care of #1! ... If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will!...Don't let anyone walk all over you!

I have yet to find Scripture to back up that way of thinking. Instead I find verses like I Cor 10:24 that says, "Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor" or Phil 2:4 "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

If your mindset is, "Well I don't want my child to be a doormat. I want them to be able to stand up for themselves," consider Phil 2:5-7 (read carefully, emphasis mine):

"Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness."

Therefore, a change in our thinking is vital if we want to train our children to love one another and put others first.
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I also think being proactive in your training is important. Instead of only dealing with conflicts as they arise, why not talk about potential conflicts or common conflicts before they occur.

During non-emotional, non-confrontational times talk about what the Bible says to them (see verses from Part I). Breakfast is a great time to do this because they have all day to apply what you've talked about.

Pick a verse to talk about at the breakfast table. Ask your children how they can apply that Scripture to their day.

For example, after reading Matthew 7:12 you could ask them how they like to be treated. Ask them what makes them feel loved. Also, ask them how they do not like to be treated. Then you might say, "Well, Jesus wants us to treat each other the way we want to be treated. So, does that mean taking something that doesn't belong to you? Does it mean yelling at or hitting your brother or sister when you're mad? Or does it mean being kind to your brother? How can you be kind to each other today?" Give suggestions if necessary like, "Do you like going first when playing a game? Then to treat your sister the way you want to be treated, you could let her go first." "Do you like to be bossed around or would you prefer to be asked nicely? Then you can show love to your brother by speaking to him the way you would like to be spoken to."

Also, I Cor 4:12b, I Thes 5:15, I Peter 2:23. You might read these verses and ask them, "When someone is unkind to you, how are you supposed to respond or react?" Ask them to tell you ways that people are unkind. Then help them figure out ways they should react to unkindness. How can they be kind despite how they're been treated? If we want our children to be like Jesus in this area, we have to teach them to think like Jesus.
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Get your kids in the habit of looking for ways to serve their siblings. Ask them early in the day or the night before what they can do to serve or show love to each other. Encourage them to surprise their sibling by doing one of their chores for them. Have them make cards for each other that say what they appreciate about their brother or sister. Suggest anything that you can think of to get their eyes off themselves and on others. And if they are always neglecting a certain sibling, be specific and say, "What can you do for (fill in that sibling's name) today?"

Encourage them to help each other in whatever way they can. If an older one can tie shoelaces, let him tie them for the younger one. Older kids can help younger ones get dressed, get a drink or snack, build a block castle, etc. Those who can read should be encouraged to read to others. Younger ones can help big ones, too, as long as the big ones don't boss. They could help clean up a room. The older one could sweetly ask the younger one to deliver something to its designated home. Be creative and let them help each other.
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Talk to your kids about how lucky they are to have brothers and sisters. Not everyone gets to have a brother or sister. Most only children I know would do anything to have a sibling. Talk about how God picked each person to be a part of your family. Families are special.

I tell my kids that friends may come and go but brothers and sisters are forever. We teach the kids to always put siblings before friends or even cousins. This means when they are playing with others, they are not allowed to leave out siblings who want to participate.

If a friend of your daughter's says, "Let's not play with the boys" or "No boys allowed", teach them in their own words to say, "No thanks. I don't think it would be nice to leave them out." This is a great time to encourage leadership.

In our home, we don't allow talk like, "Boys are better than girls!" or vise-versa.

Encourage your kids to look out for each other and to protect each other. Boys should be taught to be gentlemen - hold the door, help carry things, let the girls go first. Girls should be taught to graciously accept gentlemanly gestures. For a time, my oldest daughter didn't want her younger brother to get the door for her. She was quite capable. I had to teach her to accept his chivalry.

Let younger brothers learn to be leaders by having a chance to make decisions about what the kids play. I think there is a tendency for whoever is oldest to make the decisions for the younger ones. It's up to us to lovingly suggest (although really without option) these kinds of things from time to time.

Being in a family offers great opportunities to learn how to relate to people who are different from us.

On birthdays, or any day, take turns saying what you like most about an individual. This helps build an appreciation for each other's differences and uniqueness. And what a gift to the recipient of such kind words.

Talk to your kids about how God has given us each different personalities, temperaments, gifts, talents, likes and dislikes and how this makes the world so much more interesting. Think about how boring it would be if we all looked alike and all liked the same things and were all good at the same thing. Romans talks about the importance of our uniqueness and the benefit of that to the body of Christ. We are each gifted to serve God differently. Appreciate that about your kids and encourage them to appreciate it about each other.
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Role-play situations that come up often that you would like to see handled in a more Christ-like way. Show them how they usually handle it and then show them the right way. How do you do this? It takes two people. Roddy and I role-play for the kids, but you could use one of the kids if your hubby isn't home when you want to do this.

Here's how we do it: We will tell the kids we're going to show them how both of us handle the situation the wrong way. I will be playing with a toy and Roddy will come up and snatch it out of my hands. I will yell and try to snatch it back. I'll even chase him around the room yelling, "Mommy, he took my toy!!" This just shows them how ridiculous the wrong way can look.

Then I'll say, "Daddy's going to do it the wrong way but I'm going to do it the right way." He'll snatch the toy out of my hand again. This time instead of yelling and chasing after him, I'll politely say, "Can I have the toy back please?"

The last time, we both handle the situation the right way. I'm playing with the toy and he says, "Can I play with that when you're finished with it?" And I say, "Sure." Then I play with it for a couple more seconds and hand it to him.

We then have the kids do it the right way a few times. If you think I'm crazy, and it won't work, try it!

When we do this kind of role-playing, we are giving our children a way of escape. We are not just telling them what not to do, we're showing them what to do. I Cor 10:13 tells us that "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide a way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."
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Praise any act of kindness or love. Make a bigger deal over those things than you do over good grades or scoring in a ball game. This shows them what is really important. Let them hear you tell your husband how they were loving each other. You could even ask them during dinner to share how someone else showed love to them during the day.

Lots more to come...next week...

Sibling Rivalry Part II

If you haven't already, please read Part I.

As with most of our child training, self-examination is imperative.

There are two major areas in our own lives that will contribute to a lack of peace among our children. First is an understanding of God's love and second is our example of love for others.

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If we don't know, understand and accept God's unconditional love for us, we will not show it to our children. And they will not show it to each other. If we don't understand that we are loved by our Creator without strings attached, without dependence on performance, without stipulations or condemnation, we will not be able to love our children that way.

How can we show this unconditional love?

1. Fresh starts aka forgiveness

When your child disobeys, is dishonoring, is unkind, forgets something for the hundredth time, whatever it is, treat it like it's the first time. Correct, discipline, train and instruct without the emotion of "oh my word, I can't believe we're dealing with this again!" For some this will not be easy. I completely understand!! But it is so important.

And if we understand that consequences of sin in our lives come as a result of our Father loving us and wanting what is best for us, not because he's 'coming down' on us, not out of aggravation it will be easier for us to discipline out of love for our children, out of a desire to obey God in our role as their authority and out of a desire to do what is best for them.

On the other hand, if we neglect to discipline and teach what is right, we are not loving our children, either. Ignoring sin in our children because we're too busy doing something else shows a lack of concern for their best interests.

2. Acceptance

It is so important to accept your children as creations of God. He gave them their temperaments, talents, gifts, inclinations for certain behaviors, etc. He did not make them the way they are to punish you, annoy you or to fix you. Nor are they given for us to 'fix' or fit into a box of what we want them to be like. Our children are gifts, crafted by the Master of all Creation.

Any corrections, training and discipline are only to guide towards self-control, wisdom, love for God and love for others.

3. Labeling. Read more about that here.

4. Favoritism

Remember Joseph or Jacob and Esau? Favoritism causes resentment among siblings and is wrong. Ask God to reveal to you any favoritism going on in your house and beg Him to help you end it.

It might not even be just one child that is being favored. It might be one child that seems to always get that tone that says you're tired of dealing with them. We have a child who is actually a lot like me and not as easy to get along with as the others. He required a lot more time and energy day after day to teach and train in self-control. I realized I had to change my view of him. I had to stop seeing him as 'hard' and start seeing him as a 'gift'! Which actually helped with my own poor self-image. When I changed my thoughts, it changed our lives.

5. Comparisons

Don't compare siblings to one another, especially in front of each other. Never say, "Why can't you be like your brother/sister?" Each child has their own special, unique qualities given by our Perfect God. Ask Him to help you see them as He does. Ask Him to help you see their strengths. For example, a bossy child may be a great leader. Our job is to channel that leadership in them. Teach them how to lead lovingly.

If one child has a character issue you want to discuss with your spouse or friend, don't do it in front of them or their siblings and, of course, never to their siblings.

6. Smile

A lot! Whenever they walk in the room, act like you haven't seen them all day. Be cheerful and excited to see them - even when nap time is shorter than you hoped for. This is especially important for those children that use up so much of your energy, emotions and patience. If you don't feel like smiling, do it anyway. Soon you'll realized it's not so hard after all.

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As an example to our children, we must also extend that unconditional love to others. Start with your spouse. Do you treat your spouse the way you want to be treated? Or the way you would treat Jesus? As wives, our husbands are Christ's representation in our home. And husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (so much He gave His life for her).

Do you talk to your spouse with the same respect you want your children to use when talking to you?

Do you gossip? Do you slander friends, family, pastors, leaders in your life? Your kids absorb that behavior. If we want our children to love an accept others, we have to learn to do the same.

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This week, examine your own life. Do you know the love of your Father? How are you loving your kids, spouse, others? Not just in words but in actions also.

Sibling Rivalry Part I

This is going to be one of many posts on sibling rivalry. The information I want to give you is a 6-page Word document so I will attempt to break it down into bite-sized portions.

Growing up my siblings and I fought, squabbled, bickered, hit, scratched, threw stuff, and said unkind things to and about each other. I am one of 5. My oldest brother is 11 years older, the next is 5 years older. My younger brother is 1 year younger and my sister 2 1/2 years younger.

My parents, who would have done anything for us, didn't know what to do about it any more than most people today. They thought if they loved us enough, we'd love each other and my mom would tell us, "You'll love each other one day." What she meant was when we grew up, we'd grow out of our lack of appreciation for each others' differences and learn to love each other. We do love each other but I wish we had learned how to show it a lot sooner. It's taken until my 30's to appreciate my siblings' differences.

In the meantime, we did a lot of things to hurt each other. I know personally, I just wanted my big brothers to be big brothers. I didn't know what it meant when people talked about a big brother's protection. Mine just picked on me. And in all fairness to my siblings, I was not the sibling I should have been. I had a revelation recently and asked my mom if it was mostly me that didn't get along with everyone. She honestly answered, "Yes." So although we all could have done better, I was probably the worst.

So, many tears later, I have learned many things. Among those things, I've learned that a lack of closeness with my siblings - especially my brothers - is what caused me to seek that closeness with other boys. (So, before I go any further I encourage anyone with sons and daughters -whether the sons are older or younger- be sure to instill the importance of brothers protecting and loving their sisters!)

My experience has also given me a passion to teach my children differently. We are told sibling rivalry is natural and we should just accept it. Well, it is natural because sin is natural, but it is not right or acceptable because sin is not right. We are told to allow our children full vent to emotions, but Proverbs says a fool gives full vent to his anger.

God wants us to be self-controlled. But He knows we can’t be self-controlled on our own. We need Him. So a huge part of parenting is teaching our children their need for a Savior to guide them in all aspects of life, including (if not especially) in their relationships with siblings.

Until about 5 years ago, I thought I needed to separate my kids, give them a break from each other, to help them get along. After taking Reb Bradley's Biblical Insights into Child Training at our church, I realized it is not my job to separate them but to teach them how to get along no matter how much time they spend together.

Can I just tell you the difference this has made in our lives. Our children are by no means perfect, but there is a peacefulness in this home that would not exist if I listened to "the experts" and their worldly wisdom. Fighting between our children is the exception not the rule on a daily basis because of what we learned from Mr. Bradley and from our application of Scripture to our parenting.

That is what I hope to share with you in the coming days.

A few Scriptures for you to print out and have ready when sibling conflicts arise are (also see Part II):

I Corinthians 13 – I had always heard that “love is a decision” but didn’t get it. I thought I had to decide to feel love. I finally learned that it means in spite of how you feel, you choose to show love. And this chapter tells us what love in action looks like.

These are in the ESV
Psalm 133:1
Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!

Matthew 7:12
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them,”

Matthew 22:39b
“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

John 13:34
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

1 Corinthians 4:12b
When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure;
NIV says: When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it;

1 Corinthians 10:24
“Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor.”

Ephesians 4:1-3
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 5:1-2
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Philippians 2:4
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:14-15
Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,

I Thessalonians 5:15 & 22
See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.

Abstain from every form of evil

1 Peter 2:23
When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

I John 4:10-11
In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

To be continued...