Sibling Rivalry Part II

If you haven't already, please read Part I.

As with most of our child training, self-examination is imperative.

There are two major areas in our own lives that will contribute to a lack of peace among our children. First is an understanding of God's love and second is our example of love for others.

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If we don't know, understand and accept God's unconditional love for us, we will not show it to our children. And they will not show it to each other. If we don't understand that we are loved by our Creator without strings attached, without dependence on performance, without stipulations or condemnation, we will not be able to love our children that way.

How can we show this unconditional love?

1. Fresh starts aka forgiveness

When your child disobeys, is dishonoring, is unkind, forgets something for the hundredth time, whatever it is, treat it like it's the first time. Correct, discipline, train and instruct without the emotion of "oh my word, I can't believe we're dealing with this again!" For some this will not be easy. I completely understand!! But it is so important.

And if we understand that consequences of sin in our lives come as a result of our Father loving us and wanting what is best for us, not because he's 'coming down' on us, not out of aggravation it will be easier for us to discipline out of love for our children, out of a desire to obey God in our role as their authority and out of a desire to do what is best for them.

On the other hand, if we neglect to discipline and teach what is right, we are not loving our children, either. Ignoring sin in our children because we're too busy doing something else shows a lack of concern for their best interests.

2. Acceptance

It is so important to accept your children as creations of God. He gave them their temperaments, talents, gifts, inclinations for certain behaviors, etc. He did not make them the way they are to punish you, annoy you or to fix you. Nor are they given for us to 'fix' or fit into a box of what we want them to be like. Our children are gifts, crafted by the Master of all Creation.

Any corrections, training and discipline are only to guide towards self-control, wisdom, love for God and love for others.

3. Labeling. Read more about that here.

4. Favoritism

Remember Joseph or Jacob and Esau? Favoritism causes resentment among siblings and is wrong. Ask God to reveal to you any favoritism going on in your house and beg Him to help you end it.

It might not even be just one child that is being favored. It might be one child that seems to always get that tone that says you're tired of dealing with them. We have a child who is actually a lot like me and not as easy to get along with as the others. He required a lot more time and energy day after day to teach and train in self-control. I realized I had to change my view of him. I had to stop seeing him as 'hard' and start seeing him as a 'gift'! Which actually helped with my own poor self-image. When I changed my thoughts, it changed our lives.

5. Comparisons

Don't compare siblings to one another, especially in front of each other. Never say, "Why can't you be like your brother/sister?" Each child has their own special, unique qualities given by our Perfect God. Ask Him to help you see them as He does. Ask Him to help you see their strengths. For example, a bossy child may be a great leader. Our job is to channel that leadership in them. Teach them how to lead lovingly.

If one child has a character issue you want to discuss with your spouse or friend, don't do it in front of them or their siblings and, of course, never to their siblings.

6. Smile

A lot! Whenever they walk in the room, act like you haven't seen them all day. Be cheerful and excited to see them - even when nap time is shorter than you hoped for. This is especially important for those children that use up so much of your energy, emotions and patience. If you don't feel like smiling, do it anyway. Soon you'll realized it's not so hard after all.

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As an example to our children, we must also extend that unconditional love to others. Start with your spouse. Do you treat your spouse the way you want to be treated? Or the way you would treat Jesus? As wives, our husbands are Christ's representation in our home. And husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (so much He gave His life for her).

Do you talk to your spouse with the same respect you want your children to use when talking to you?

Do you gossip? Do you slander friends, family, pastors, leaders in your life? Your kids absorb that behavior. If we want our children to love an accept others, we have to learn to do the same.

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This week, examine your own life. Do you know the love of your Father? How are you loving your kids, spouse, others? Not just in words but in actions also.